panic attacks ....

Ok so as of tomorrow I will be 4 weeks post op and I must say I am feeling pretty good. Not so sure that I have 100 percent faith that this is going to work and I will bring home a crying baby. There are days that the fear is so deep and real and then there are days when I feel the urge to go shop. Shopping at this time is not an option I am scared to death of having to return baby stuff again. I will never EVER forget that feeling of walking into the store with all that stuff and having to explain that even though some of the stuff was purchased beyond the 30 day limit that I DON'T NEED THEM ANYMORE MY BABIES DIED........ My sister went to return some stuff to a store ( I wont say any names). She had all her paperwork and all she spend over 100 bucks in that store. The manager was nice enough to tell her that they can not honer the price she paid but would be glad to refund the mark down prices for everything .. I WILL NEVER STEP FOOT INTO THAT STORE AGAIN. So she spend over 100 and got less than 50 back. DUMB ASS PEOPLE I hope they never have to know what it is like to return baby stuff because a baby passed away. I must say that BABIES .R. US WAS GREAT WITH ALL MY RETURNS..... THEY gave me cash back for everything no questions asked. Refunded all the money for the furniture and all. My 15 week mark is approaching on sat. and as week 20 comes The fear increases. My OB asked me if I want meds for my anxiety I said no. It seems that every time I have a appt. I go into horrid panic attacks thinking the baby is going to be dead when they scan me. Do you think this is normal. Becky tells me it is but she is just as nuts as i am. I think that we as dead baby mommas have all be robbed robbed of the joys of pregnancy. Will I ever be able to just enjoy my pregnancy and not worry about every pull and cramp? If anyone reads this and had a healthy pregnancy after a loss can you let me know DOES THE FEAR EVER GO AWAY?

Its been a long bumpy road.........

Ok so it has been too long since I have wrote on here. I have popped in from time to time trying to blog but JUST COULD NOT DO IT.... APRIL MAY AND JUNE CAME AND WENT... Then July came in and Jeff and I started the whole walk down that long hard road of fertility injections and IVF yet again. Don't ask me how we did it but, we did thanks to the help and lots of talks of 1 of my best friends Becky. ( not many people knew we were doing ivf again). On July the 26th the retrieved my eggs . The month ended with hopes and dreams of getting pregnant again...

AUG came in with a BANG....
Becky had her baby Lily.... ( I must say I love that kid like she is my own). Becky lost 2 boys due to IC as well. She is my shoulder and I really believe that our children brought us together and WE will always be in each other's lives. Becky I know you read my blog so I LOVE YOU AND THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT AND LOVE YOU ARE TRULY A WOMAN OF STRENGTH AND I DON'T KNOW HOW I WOULD HAVE MADE IT THIS FAR WITH OUT YOU TO LEAN ON.

Ok so back to me . on the 8th i took an EPT. And got a BFP******************** I almost fell on the floor. That opened a whole new door to me. I have to say that it was a very different experience from my last pregnancy. PANIC set in.... Will this work? Am i ready for this again? Will this baby live? Its insane. It started out as a twin pregnancy again but sadly at 8 weeks one of them got it wings and went to play with Matthew and Brandon. I held it together and started to focus on the baby that is still growing.
Sept. 26th I had my trans abdominal cerclage placed by DR. DAVIS.... MY HERO.....
As I type this i am 2 weeks post op and I feel pretty good. There are alot of things I can not do but that's ok I would lay in bed till march if it means bringing home a crying baby. So that sums it all up for now I am 13 weeks as of tomorrow. will update more another day...