Missing Brandon and Matthew

You know who you are..

2008-12-18T16:30:00.002-05:00

Trouble Maker,

LEAVE US ALONE AND MIND YOUR BEE'S WAX.....
THIS A PLACE TO VENT AND LET FEELINGS OUT MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY IT.

LIFE IS NOT FAIR.

2008-11-14T19:09:00.002-05:00

I WANT MY BOYS BACK..............................THEY SHOULD BE HERE NOW 8 MONTH OLD MAKING ME SMILE. I see people with children that do not deserve to have them. They walk away leaving them unattended in stores all over the place. People have no idea how truly blessed they are to have a toddler running around screaming. What I would give to hear Matthew and Brandon crying right now. I miss them. I long for them still. Its just not FAIR.

panic attacks ....

2008-10-23T15:08:00.004-04:00

Ok so as of tomorrow I will be 4 weeks post op and I must say I am feeling pretty good. Not so sure that I have 100 percent faith that this is going to work and I will bring home a crying baby. There are days that the fear is so deep and real and then there are days when I feel the urge to go shop. Shopping at this time is not an option I am scared to death of having to return baby stuff again. I will never EVER forget that feeling of walking into the store with all that stuff and having to explain that even though some of the stuff was purchased beyond the 30 day limit that I DON'T NEED THEM ANYMORE MY BABIES DIED........ My sister went to return some stuff to a store ( I wont say any names). She had all her paperwork and all she spend over 100 bucks in that store. The manager was nice enough to tell her that they can not honer the price she paid but would be glad to refund the mark down prices for everything .. I WILL NEVER STEP FOOT INTO THAT STORE AGAIN. So she spend over 100 and got less than 50 back. DUMB ASS PEOPLE I hope they never have to know what it is like to return baby stuff because a baby passed away. I must say that BABIES .R. US WAS GREAT WITH ALL MY RETURNS..... THEY gave me cash back for everything no questions asked. Refunded all the money for the furniture and all. My 15 week mark is approaching on sat. and as week 20 comes The fear increases. My OB asked me if I want meds for my anxiety I said no. It seems that every time I have a appt. I go into horrid panic attacks thinking the baby is going to be dead when they scan me. Do you think this is normal. Becky tells me it is but she is just as nuts as i am. I think that we as dead baby mommas have all be robbed robbed of the joys of pregnancy. Will I ever be able to just enjoy my pregnancy and not worry about every pull and cramp? If anyone reads this and had a healthy pregnancy after a loss can you let me know DOES THE FEAR EVER GO AWAY?

Its been a long bumpy road.........

2008-10-10T19:38:00.002-04:00

Ok so it has been too long since I have wrote on here. I have popped in from time to time trying to blog but JUST COULD NOT DO IT.... APRIL MAY AND JUNE CAME AND WENT... Then July came in and Jeff and I started the whole walk down that long hard road of fertility injections and IVF yet again. Don't ask me how we did it but, we did thanks to the help and lots of talks of 1 of my best friends Becky. ( not many people knew we were doing ivf again). On July the 26th the retrieved my eggs . The month ended with hopes and dreams of getting pregnant again...

AUG came in with a BANG....
Becky had her baby Lily.... ( I must say I love that kid like she is my own). Becky lost 2 boys due to IC as well. She is my shoulder and I really believe that our children brought us together and WE will always be in each other's lives. Becky I know you read my blog so I LOVE YOU AND THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT AND LOVE YOU ARE TRULY A WOMAN OF STRENGTH AND I DON'T KNOW HOW I WOULD HAVE MADE IT THIS FAR WITH OUT YOU TO LEAN ON.

Ok so back to me . on the 8th i took an EPT. And got a BFP******************** I almost fell on the floor. That opened a whole new door to me. I have to say that it was a very different experience from my last pregnancy. PANIC set in.... Will this work? Am i ready for this again? Will this baby live? Its insane. It started out as a twin pregnancy again but sadly at 8 weeks one of them got it wings and went to play with Matthew and Brandon. I held it together and started to focus on the baby that is still growing.
Sept. 26th I had my trans abdominal cerclage placed by DR. DAVIS.... MY HERO.....
As I type this i am 2 weeks post op and I feel pretty good. There are alot of things I can not do but that's ok I would lay in bed till march if it means bringing home a crying baby. So that sums it all up for now I am 13 weeks as of tomorrow. will update more another day...

Part 2 .....The ups and downs of my pregnancy

2008-04-14T10:21:00.002-04:00

Ok, so it's been a while I am going to try to continue "our journey". So we were pregnant with twins..... The panic sets in for those of you that have carried twins you know that there is a whole new world of panic involved..... twin to twin transfusion.... vanishing twin..... etc...etc.. we made it through to week 12 our ultra screen was great and we finally started to really rest a little better and know that both our babies were ok....They each had their own placenta and were totally independent so no twin to twin transfusion and We were out of the WOODS so they said......So i thought......THEN THE ROPE BROKE....... ON THURS. THE 29TH OF NOV. We had just had Thanksgiving dinner at out house the family came it was just great....We had soooo much to be thankful for After years and years or trying to have children we were having twins i was healthy and the kids looked great everything seemed to be moving right on target....anyway the 29th OH THE DAY I WILL NEVER EVER FORGET........I had to pee as always ....upon whipping there was blood... next thing i know i am in L&D and my world is starting to fall apart around me..... I just knew when the resident who checked me left the room to get her senior something was wrong.......JUST FUCKING TELL ME I THOUGHT...Jeff was home I had my sister with me and I had no control over what was happening..........Next think i know the Dr. tells me to call Jeff and they think it would be best if he comes to the hospital....Lisa you may lose your babies....WHAT ARE YOU NUTS LADY..... I thought to myself....... the bleeding had stopped and i felt them both moving around as always ...... well i was already funneled and Matthews bag of waters was showing....Jeff came and we were off to the high risk area they did a cervical measurement .... what cervix...i was completely funneled.......by 7 pm my water broke with Matthew............I gave birth to him on Dec. 2. He was born sleeping but oh my was he cute.....he had my feet and he was a mix of both me and Jeff. At this time i was on some serious drugs......Then they hung my upside down to try to save Brandon....Put me on a Mag drip.....It was rough..... Even still we held our baby and loved every bit of him for as long as we could.....I cant explain the feelings i felt at that time... it was all soooo surreal at times i really thought it was all just a DREAM...I WOULD WAKE UP IN MY BED STILL PREGNANT WITH 2 BABIES..... WITH A LONG CLOSED CERVIX.......Anyway to make a long story short. Even with all the medical care and drugs in the world we lost Brandon on the 4th of Dec. he went to meet his brother in the arms of my Mom and Dad I am sure..... Our lives will never be the same..... i miss the both soooo much..People seem to think it will get better over time... BULLSHIT..... I still long for them in a way i don't think anyone can ever understand unless they have been in my shoes.... I am supposed to be holding them in my arms right now.....Not looking at dead baby blogs........

Dr. Davis....MY HERO........

2008-03-21T20:49:00.005-04:00

Ok so as you all can see the appt. went great.. He scanned me and my length of functional cervix was 1.6cm I knew it was short but i did not think it was that short well anyway my complete measurement was 2.4 also still short. I have hardly any cervix in my vaginal canal. Not normal ladies. So my instincts were RIGHT A MACDONALD CERCLAGE WOULD HAVE FAILED ME..... I WAS RIGHT WOOOHOOOOOO.... ALL I NEED TO SAY IS A BIG FAT FUCK YOU TO ALL THE DR'S AND PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT I WAS NUTS AND PARANOID................................I WAS RIGHT........ HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA......THERE IS HOPE FOR US. WE ARE GOING TO GET PREGNANT AGAIN AND HAVE A BABY A LIVING CRYING POOPING BABY. I HAVE FAITH.........

Ladies trust your gut even if it means going against everyone. Your gut is right.....You are not CRAZY.....OR PARANOID.

just me venting

2008-03-19T11:22:00.003-04:00

Ok, So I have not been around much these days. The 21st would have marked 36 weeks for me and that is the day we were looking to start labor if i had not gone in on my own... So needless to say its been a rough week for us. However on a new note the 21st i am going to see Dr. Davis for a consult to see if I will qualify for a TAC.(trans abdominal cerclage). So we will see what he says Friday I have to tell all of you that i am SCARED SHIT.... WHAT IF HE SAYS NO HE WILL NOT DO IT...... I think i will fall on the floor right there in the office. The high risk Dr. said he does not think i qualify normally you need to lose 2 pregnancy's before they will consider you for one.. WHO THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THEY ARE..........As if loosing 1 was not good enough.....I would like to see how the story would change if the shoe were on the other foot. Anyway he said and i quote" WELL LISA IF IT G_D FORBID HAPPENS AGAIN THEN WE WILL DO IT".I understand all the insurance bullcrap but come on this is someones life you are talking about. Against what everyone said i am going to see Dr. Davis this Friday I figured what is the worse thing he could say the same thing everyone else has already told me. I am not giving up ... There is no remorse I WILL HAVE A TAC PLACED I DON'T CARE IF I HAVE TO FLY TO CHINA TO GET IT.......... I WILL HAVE A FAT HEALTHY FULL TERM CRYING CHILD IN MY ARMS. Ok so as always thank you for listening to me rant. I needed to get all this off my shoulders. I will post after my appt and let everyone know the outcome.

Please Pray.

2008-03-05T12:21:00.003-05:00

A good friend of mine(some of you may know her from the blog) is going in for surgery on Friday to have a trans abdominal cerclage placed. Like me she lost 2 boys due to her incompetent cervix. She is pregnant with her 3rd pregnancy and is going to hava a TAC placed Friday.... Please pray for Becky and her family. I will keep you all updated as to how things for her.

Becky,
I know you will read this. I just want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and I believe everything will go well for you and the BEAN.....If you need anything and i mean ANYTHING....I am only a phone call away not to mention a 15 minute drive.

Lisa

Raising awareness......

2008-03-04T11:20:00.004-05:00

I cant thank you all enough for your kind words........Sadly each of you know where I am at this point. I think its horrid that you never really think about all the children that have lot their lives until you join this club..With all the other issues on raising awareness in this world people need to be ALOT more aware of neonatal death and stillbirth etc......That is my goal for this year to speak to anyone who will listen about my Boys......Maybe it will help someone else get through this or open up and talk about their loss. I already started to talk about them. When speaking to a Nurse that I work with about them she broke down into tears... Proceeded to tell me she lost a child in her 10th week of pregnancy and she never speaks of him/her. I 'd like to think I helped her to know its ok to talk of that child....She said she was forbidden to speak of it (that's what people did back then she tells me). Her child would have been about 16 now. FOR M'S Baby..... I'm sure two of them will meet again...... My heart breaks every time i hear or read of someones child that was lost. I almost feel the pain all over again. I'd like to think all our children are happy and playing together where they are and just waiting for us to meet them at the gate when we are called home. I know that I will see my Boys again till then I hold them both in my heart......

Brandon Scott

2008-03-04T00:06:00.002-05:00

My Big Guy,

3 months ago you were born sleeping. I was in disbelief....So was Papa.... You looked just like Papa and Grandpa Carlo combined. The first time i held you and looked at you I could not believe my eyes I looked at Papa and said OH MY GOD HE HAS MY FATHERS EARS. Now you play in heaven with him. I am sure he is taking you right under his wing and loving you and Matthew to bits. I miss you so ..... What I would give just to hold you in my arms again. My arms want so badly to hold you again. I wait for the day when i can hold you tight again. I love and miss you more than word can explain. I think you are the reason my remote is always moving around the house. Me and Papa have no other explanation as to where it goes and who moves it being we are the only people in this house.... I dont think Shakies moves it. The reason we think it is you and not Matthew is because even when you were in my tummy you always were the one kicking around and being difficult.... Every ultrasound you would never stay still. I would give anything to feel you move around in my belly again..... Ok I must end this note here as i just got in from a long day at work and I am so sleepy.... I LOVE YOU .....Be a good boy... Tell Matthew I love and miss him. You and your brother play nice and be good for Grandma and Grandpa....

LOVE YOU, MOMMY

For Matthew Joshua

2008-03-03T00:10:00.000-05:00

My sweet Angel,

3 months ago you came into this world sleeping that day i will never ever forget i looked at you and felt complete love and grief all at one moment Love because you were my first born child And grief because I knew i would never see you grow or hear you cry or i would never be able to feel your breath on my face...........Words can not explain how much I wish you were still in my tummy growing strong................I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU MORE THAN ANYONE WILL EVER KNOW..............My Angel........I had a dream about you lastnight It was the first dream i have ever had of you....... You were with your Grandpa Carlo....Standing in the rose garden in the yard of the house i grew up in and I'd say you looked to be about 18 months old maybe a little older.... AND I MUST SAY AS HANDSOME AS COULD BE......As your mother I can say that........I think of you everyday... I always will.... I must stop this letter here....... Be a good boy for me and Hug Brandon and tell him I love him..... Tell Grandma and Grandpa I miss them and love them too. One day we will meet again and I will hold you in my arms....Till then I have you right here in my heart.

I LOVE YOU, MOMMY

OUR STORY PART 1

2008-03-01T23:11:00.000-05:00

So the story begins. I am going to take this blog one day at a time and write the whole story in parts so if you care to follow my journey have patience with me. Jeff and i started trying to have children on and off for a good 5 years after that we decided to walk into a fertility Dr. I am in the medical field so i was told to go to a certain Dr. and i was off.... needless to say we found out in Feb of 2007 what our issue was and the whole journey began. We were told with our issue We should go straight to IVF..... WHAT ARE THEY NUTS I THOUGHT....... IVF ?????? The research began.... To make along story somewhat short we had to do IVF WITH ICSI.... We have a male factor issue. His count is fine THANK GOD..... lets just say they get a great start out of the gate......... but, get tired 1/2 way to the finish line. so we started the whole IVF thing. injections .....sonograms........bloodwork.......I must say i am a very lucky woman as my hubby was nothing short of WONDERFUL.......He gave me every injection and went to almost all my appts. On the 27th of July they took 12 mature eggs from me and the next day we were told 8 fertilized.....THATS GREAT for those of you who dont know about IVF. we did a 5 day transfer and put 2 blasts back on the 1st of aug. On the 9th we found out we were having a baby..... I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE AND I MEAN NEVER HAVE FELT SUCH COMPLETE HAPPINESS... I CAN REMEMBER GETTING THE CALL......... Jeff and i were in the car with his mom and aunt beady....... the four of us could do nothing but cry our eyes out....... when we hit 6 weeks we found out we were having TWINS....... WHAT DID SHE SAY I THOUGHT TO MYSELF AS JEFF WAS SMILING FROM EAR TO EAR........ That was the day we fell in love with them when we saw their hearts beating away on that screen its amazing how deeply in love you fall.........Ok must end this as i am getting way toooooooo emotional will continue another day.