Friday, March 21, 2008

Dr. Davis....MY HERO........

Ok so as you all can see the appt. went great.. He scanned me and my length of functional cervix was 1.6cm I knew it was short but i did not think it was that short well anyway my complete measurement was 2.4 also still short. I have hardly any cervix in my vaginal canal. Not normal ladies. So my instincts were RIGHT A MACDONALD CERCLAGE WOULD HAVE FAILED ME..... I WAS RIGHT WOOOHOOOOOO.... ALL I NEED TO SAY IS A BIG FAT FUCK YOU TO ALL THE DR'S AND PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT I WAS NUTS AND PARANOID................................I WAS RIGHT........ HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA......THERE IS HOPE FOR US. WE ARE GOING TO GET PREGNANT AGAIN AND HAVE A BABY A LIVING CRYING POOPING BABY. I HAVE FAITH.........

Ladies trust your gut even if it means going against everyone. Your gut is right.....You are not CRAZY.....OR PARANOID.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

just me venting

Ok, So I have not been around much these days. The 21st would have marked 36 weeks for me and that is the day we were looking to start labor if i had not gone in on my own... So needless to say its been a rough week for us. However on a new note the 21st i am going to see Dr. Davis for a consult to see if I will qualify for a TAC.(trans abdominal cerclage). So we will see what he says Friday I have to tell all of you that i am SCARED SHIT.... WHAT IF HE SAYS NO HE WILL NOT DO IT...... I think i will fall on the floor right there in the office. The high risk Dr. said he does not think i qualify normally you need to lose 2 pregnancy's before they will consider you for one.. WHO THE FUCK DO THEY THINK THEY ARE..........As if loosing 1 was not good enough.....I would like to see how the story would change if the shoe were on the other foot. Anyway he said and i quote" WELL LISA IF IT G_D FORBID HAPPENS AGAIN THEN WE WILL DO IT".I understand all the insurance bullcrap but come on this is someones life you are talking about. Against what everyone said i am going to see Dr. Davis this Friday I figured what is the worse thing he could say the same thing everyone else has already told me. I am not giving up ... There is no remorse I WILL HAVE A TAC PLACED I DON'T CARE IF I HAVE TO FLY TO CHINA TO GET IT.......... I WILL HAVE A FAT HEALTHY FULL TERM CRYING CHILD IN MY ARMS. Ok so as always thank you for listening to me rant. I needed to get all this off my shoulders. I will post after my appt and let everyone know the outcome.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Please Pray.

A good friend of mine(some of you may know her from the blog) is going in for surgery on Friday to have a trans abdominal cerclage placed. Like me she lost 2 boys due to her incompetent cervix. She is pregnant with her 3rd pregnancy and is going to hava a TAC placed Friday.... Please pray for Becky and her family. I will keep you all updated as to how things for her.

I know you will read this. I just want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and I believe everything will go well for you and the BEAN.....If you need anything and i mean ANYTHING....I am only a phone call away not to mention a 15 minute drive.


Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Raising awareness......

I cant thank you all enough for your kind words........Sadly each of you know where I am at this point. I think its horrid that you never really think about all the children that have lot their lives until you join this club..With all the other issues on raising awareness in this world people need to be ALOT more aware of neonatal death and stillbirth etc......That is my goal for this year to speak to anyone who will listen about my Boys......Maybe it will help someone else get through this or open up and talk about their loss. I already started to talk about them. When speaking to a Nurse that I work with about them she broke down into tears... Proceeded to tell me she lost a child in her 10th week of pregnancy and she never speaks of him/her. I 'd like to think I helped her to know its ok to talk of that child....She said she was forbidden to speak of it (that's what people did back then she tells me). Her child would have been about 16 now. FOR M'S Baby..... I'm sure two of them will meet again...... My heart breaks every time i hear or read of someones child that was lost. I almost feel the pain all over again. I'd like to think all our children are happy and playing together where they are and just waiting for us to meet them at the gate when we are called home. I know that I will see my Boys again till then I hold them both in my heart......

Brandon Scott

My Big Guy,

3 months ago you were born sleeping. I was in disbelief....So was Papa.... You looked just like Papa and Grandpa Carlo combined. The first time i held you and looked at you I could not believe my eyes I looked at Papa and said OH MY GOD HE HAS MY FATHERS EARS. Now you play in heaven with him. I am sure he is taking you right under his wing and loving you and Matthew to bits. I miss you so ..... What I would give just to hold you in my arms again. My arms want so badly to hold you again. I wait for the day when i can hold you tight again. I love and miss you more than word can explain. I think you are the reason my remote is always moving around the house. Me and Papa have no other explanation as to where it goes and who moves it being we are the only people in this house.... I dont think Shakies moves it. The reason we think it is you and not Matthew is because even when you were in my tummy you always were the one kicking around and being difficult.... Every ultrasound you would never stay still. I would give anything to feel you move around in my belly again..... Ok I must end this note here as i just got in from a long day at work and I am so sleepy.... I LOVE YOU .....Be a good boy... Tell Matthew I love and miss him. You and your brother play nice and be good for Grandma and Grandpa....


Monday, March 3, 2008

For Matthew Joshua

My sweet Angel,

3 months ago you came into this world sleeping that day i will never ever forget i looked at you and felt complete love and grief all at one moment Love because you were my first born child And grief because I knew i would never see you grow or hear you cry or i would never be able to feel your breath on my face...........Words can not explain how much I wish you were still in my tummy growing strong................I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU MORE THAN ANYONE WILL EVER KNOW..............My Angel........I had a dream about you lastnight It was the first dream i have ever had of you....... You were with your Grandpa Carlo....Standing in the rose garden in the yard of the house i grew up in and I'd say you looked to be about 18 months old maybe a little older.... AND I MUST SAY AS HANDSOME AS COULD BE......As your mother I can say that........I think of you everyday... I always will.... I must stop this letter here....... Be a good boy for me and Hug Brandon and tell him I love him..... Tell Grandma and Grandpa I miss them and love them too. One day we will meet again and I will hold you in my arms....Till then I have you right here in my heart.


Saturday, March 1, 2008


So the story begins. I am going to take this blog one day at a time and write the whole story in parts so if you care to follow my journey have patience with me. Jeff and i started trying to have children on and off for a good 5 years after that we decided to walk into a fertility Dr. I am in the medical field so i was told to go to a certain Dr. and i was off.... needless to say we found out in Feb of 2007 what our issue was and the whole journey began. We were told with our issue We should go straight to IVF..... WHAT ARE THEY NUTS I THOUGHT....... IVF ?????? The research began.... To make along story somewhat short we had to do IVF WITH ICSI.... We have a male factor issue. His count is fine THANK GOD..... lets just say they get a great start out of the gate......... but, get tired 1/2 way to the finish line. so we started the whole IVF thing. injections .....sonograms........bloodwork.......I must say i am a very lucky woman as my hubby was nothing short of WONDERFUL.......He gave me every injection and went to almost all my appts. On the 27th of July they took 12 mature eggs from me and the next day we were told 8 fertilized.....THATS GREAT for those of you who dont know about IVF. we did a 5 day transfer and put 2 blasts back on the 1st of aug. On the 9th we found out we were having a baby..... I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE AND I MEAN NEVER HAVE FELT SUCH COMPLETE HAPPINESS... I CAN REMEMBER GETTING THE CALL......... Jeff and i were in the car with his mom and aunt beady....... the four of us could do nothing but cry our eyes out....... when we hit 6 weeks we found out we were having TWINS....... WHAT DID SHE SAY I THOUGHT TO MYSELF AS JEFF WAS SMILING FROM EAR TO EAR........ That was the day we fell in love with them when we saw their hearts beating away on that screen its amazing how deeply in love you fall.........Ok must end this as i am getting way toooooooo emotional will continue another day.